Hope!
I've been thinking lately about our experience when we had Callie. It was definately hard and stressful but I wouldn't change any of it. It was also a wonderful experience. My only concern is if and or when we have another that the same thing will happen. I worry that I would not be able to spend enough time with that child in the hospital because I also need to take care of Callie. With Callie I didn't have any other children to take care of. For those of you that don't know Callie was two months early and weighed in at 1 lb 13 oz. and was in the NBICU at UofU Hospital for two months before she was able to come home. It has been a never ending process of trying to get her to gain weight. I just hope that I could have at least one normal and healthy pregnancy so I can experience cuddleing a beautiful chubby baby!!
This is a couple days after she was born at LDS Hospital
After she was moved to UofU
Daddy
loving Callie!
Mommy
loving Callie!
Grandma Ricks
loving Callie!
We had to fight Taylor to hold her because she was scared of doing something wrong. Now they are
best buddies!
Callies wonderful nurses! They have to have a heart made of
GOLD for this job,
Strong and
Loving!
This is called a car bed. Because she was under 5 lbs. when she came home she had to ride in this.
What I Wish Everyone Knew
I wish everyone knew that this hurt never goes away. We still need support, and I still need to hear my son and daughters' name. Now, even more than before, I NEED to have their lives validated.
I wish everyone knew ....that even though my babies' deaths were the most painful experience of my life, I am grateful for the pain, and I would still choose to have them even knowing that it would end the same....and I would give anything to cuddle them in my arms again, if only for a brief moment.
I wish everyone knew... that my heart leaps with joy every time someone asks me about my babies.
I wish everyone knew that a baby's age or size at birth or death does not determine to how much of a person he or she was or how much they will be loved or missed.
I wish everyone knew that an early miscarriage and/or losing a tiny baby is just as difficult and painful as losing any other child.
I wish everyone knew how much I need to talk about mybabies, and how happy it makes me when someone asks about them.
I wish everyone knew the struggle that I go through everyday to answer the simplest questions, like: How many children do you have?
I wish everyone knew it is ok to talk about my loss.
I wish everyone knew that I think of my babies all the time.
I wish everyone knew that I have completely changed because of my experiences.
I wish everyone knew how much I love and miss my babies.
I wish everyone knew how much I need to talk about them and remember them.
I wish everyone knew what it felt like to hold them, still, perfect, breathtaking and have to leave them.
I wish everyone knew what it felt like to long for just 1 more second with their baby. Maybe then they could truly cherish all the billions of seconds they get with theirs.
I wish everyone knew that us mommies who lose our babies carry them with us everywhere we go...for the rest of our lives...and to say we are changed...is putting it rather lightly.
I wish everyone knew and appreciated what an absolute miracle each and every child is, from conception to birth, viable and enviable.
I wish everyone knew that even though I can smile and go to work and "function" like everyone else, I'm not like everyone else.
I wish everyone knew that even if you don't know what to say to me, saying nothing at all is more painful than you can imagine. Ignoring me and never speaking to me again because it makes you uncomfortable to be around me is worse than being uncomfortable or saying the wrong thing.
7 comments:
Oh Darc....
My eyes are still a bit wet from reading your post and seeing your pics. You went through such a huge challenge to get Callie her. And I am sure you are an amazing mother to her, and if/when you have another child you will do great. If #2 has to be in the hospital I have no doubt that your family and friends would be more than happy to step in and help in any way they could. I know I would. Heavenly father knows you are a strong loving mother in Zion and he will help you through what ever experience you have.
Darcie-I have a good friend whose first baby was born way early too and she just barely had a way healthy, full term little boy. I know they took all sorts of precautions with her the second time around and it turned out good. I could put you in touch with her if you want...if you are interested email me at mariloukent@yahoo.com
Darcie!! I can't imagine what I'd do if I'd been through what you've been through. You are amazing!! These pictures are so tender, I'm so glad you shared.
I thought I'd give you the link to where I got my blog layout but I love yours already!! It's
http://www.leeloublogs.blogspot.com/ though in case you want to check them out!
Oh Darcie, how sweet. And such a nice little tribute to Callie. Oh man, I can't believe how little she was. I have such huge babies, and so I can't even imagine. You ARE a very strong person, and such a wonderful mother.
It is crazy that as a mother, all that we pray, hope, and wish for is for our children to be Happy and Healthy. I am assuming that you did a lot of PRAYING to have her be happy and healthy now.
Oh again how sweet. Thanks for sharing. I would love to hear about your little James too... if and when you would want to.
Hey Darci, I just found your blog today! So cute, and Callie is so precious. I remember seeing some pictures of her right after she was born {your mom brought them in to CD! she was so proud!} You have gone through so much and you are such a strong person! by the way here's my blog address: aliciaking.typepad.com, I haven't really been using blogger!
Hi Darci! First of all, Callie is so beautiful and priceless! You have an amazing family! Second, I haven't seen you in such a long long time! How are you doing? I'm glad I found you on here. I'm new to Blogger, I think I like it more than the other websites I am on. I hope to hear from you!
Michelle Bell (Brower)
Aren't the special care nurses fabulous!! My little girl was in the special care unit too. We came to love the nurses and appreciate them so much. Cute blog. I'll see you at church when I pass you in the hall. Take care.
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